I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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