I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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