38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
