How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
