god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
