I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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