it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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