Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
