Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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