Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
