I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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