I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
