there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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