I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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