My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
