I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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