WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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