Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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