He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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