I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
