I molested 6 butterflies tonight
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
