my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
