Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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