The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
it's great music for shaving your balls
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
