if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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