I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
