she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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