Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
