he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
