So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
