I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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