I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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