I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
