there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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