I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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