what day is it and did you see me today?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
