What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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