I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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