Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
