you would pick up someone in the library
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
