The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
