We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
