My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize