I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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