I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just threw up on my dentist
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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