I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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