When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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