also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
