Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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