I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Say something about gay babies.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
