when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Randomize
