So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize