My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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