Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
