god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
