The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i dont even know how to be here
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
