did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Randomize
