Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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