I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
