woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
