awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
