genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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