I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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