It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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